Thursday, February 19, 2009

nothing escapes the lenses

One time in my life, during senior high, I remembered that one of our assignments was to write a short story. It was so fun that I ended up writing a very long tale about a sappy high-school love story. Boy to boy, of course. It was not only loaded with love, but also with witchcraft, revenge and gore. I got the highest score at that time: 90 out of 100.

The funny thing was, although I did read and reread and proofread my writing that time before submitting it to the teacher, I couldn’t bear to read it once it was graded. And then I read a great quote that I hold true in many facets, even until today: you know you’ve written something good if when you read it one day, you love it and not embarrassed because of it.

Well, I’ve been reading and rereading many of my online writings, at my old weblogs at LittleScars and the Notes at my Facebook and I can say that I love them to bits. I mean, yes I am narcissistic and borderline megalomaniac, but I do love my writings and I’m proud of them. They may not be like Salman Rusdhie’s or John Updike’s, though, but I’m getting there – crossing fingers -.

The same thing is also applied to my dance. During the performances in Bellydance Jakarta’s 3rd Annual Recital Ball, I sucked at the veil number but thought that I did perfectly in the drum solo. But up until now, I don’t have the guts to watch the videos. During the performance at Shimmering Shimmies, I thought I did well in all the pieces, but I didn’t have the nerve to watch the videos… Until last night.

The glam tribaret attempt. The video didn't look this good, though.
Photo by Diana Tri Wulandari.

I finally watched the videos. And man! I was so embarrassed by so many things! I commented on this and that, told myself so many should-have’s and would-have’s and could-have’s and tried to pat my back by reassuring myself that it was just a hafla, but the trick didn’t work. I am a perfectionist, at least in dance.

So yes, I still need much guidance and lots of dance experiences. Hopefully in less than a decade, before my hair starts to fall off and I get my first wrinkle, I can present a dance that not only looks perfect in my imagination, but also in videos.


Anonymous said...

i think ur thing with ur dance is the same thing when actor see their movies. self criticism sometimes becomes the hardest one.

do u know that robert redford never see his own movies, i mean like never? i think for him, the thoughts of seeing himself in a movie make it harder for him to actually enjoy acting for the next movie.

bottom line, dont so hard on urself, sih cha. come on u're still an amateur....for now.

*runs and hides

the boy who shimmies said...

Yes, Mbi, I think that is my problem. I mean, I'm trying too hard to be a polished amateur, or near-professional. Maybe it's too fast.

But then again, I don't want to reap praises that I don't deserve. It's not fair for anyone.

I think I've heard the same thing even from stars with huge ego like Madonna.

Thanks, though.

Anonymous said...

ucha.. gue jg merasakan hal yg sama. ketika ngliat videonya, gue merasa gak puas, ada banyak hal yg kurang di sana-sini.

ketika gue bilang gitu, sodara gue lgs komen: ya loe memang gak boleh cepet puas.

berdasarkan pengalaman gue pribadi cha, sbg penulis dan penari, dng kita gak puas itu akan menantang kita ukt belajar lg dan belajar lagi. dng begitu kita berkembang, dan gak akan berhenti.

jadi, jgn pernah cepat merasa puas cha.. jika kamu ingin berkembang dan maju.. ;D.. --adith

Kadek said...

gue nontonin foto2 your belly dancing session di kala tewe mengedit.

komen pertama: omigod, perut ucha rata bgt ya, sirik deh.

komen dua: cewe nya cantik2 ya, we (sluruup)

komen tiga: keren bener dah si ucha nari di antara para wanita.

komen empat: we, lu ngedit lama amat sih, ga kelar2

the boy who shimmies said...

Hihihi... Iya, Dek! Makanya gue berani ngeliatin foto aja. Itu juga beberapa foto gue ngerasa ih kok posisi tangan gue aneh sihhh... dlsb.

Kalo video... GA BERANI!!!

Steven Anggrek said...

Show me show me show me.
Is it on YouTube already?

the boy who shimmies said...

Steven, ha! I wish. I think so many people took photos but not videos, so not a chance the video will surface anytime soon.

A friend put up a very short video of it in facebook, though.

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